You are a liar.
Denying it only proves my point, you liar!
The truth is - no lie - that we lie on a regular basis. Sometimes we lie when somebody asks how we are and we say we're doing great even though we aren't. Or we treat someone like we really like them when secretly we don't care much for them. Or we tell someone they did a great job at something when they actually didn't. Or we tell someone we can't accept an invitation because we're too busy, when we simply don't want to go.
As a rule, I think everyone would agree that dishonesty is a practice to avoid. The Bible has many verses affirming such a position. But before we learn from Geri Scazzero, let's clarify some things. There are some instances in the Bible when Abraham, Jacob, and Jesus - three major characters (to say the least) - lied. And while there exists some commentary admonishing Abraham and Jacob (nobody admonishes Jesus...), the Bible itself does not reprimand their behavior. There are other instances where characters lie, and they are reprimanded severely.
Not everyone deserves our complete honesty. Why would I be honest about the whereabouts of my valuables with a burglar? Why would I let a madman know my wife and children are locked in a closet while he is threatening their harm? Why would I give a terrorist information that could be used to cause great harm to many people?
If asked how I am doing by a mere acquaintance, why would I tell them I'm struggling with depression and anxiety if they obviously don't have time or interest in hearing anything other than that I'm fine? Why would I tell the person who invited me for dinner that their cooking was awful? Would you tell a kid who just sang their heart out - off key the whole way - that they should be embarrassed?
Are their occasions where protective lying makes more sense than complete honesty? Are there appropriate times for gracious lying?
What I think Geri Scazzero is getting at here is a pattern where we alienate ourselves from our True Self in lying to others about a wide range of things. We can get comfortable sweeping issues under the rug, or being false with others when strength comes from being who we really are. Part of what she experienced in her life was that church culture does not always welcome transparency. Rather, the church sometimes would prefer people to wear masks of niceness, keeping the ugly truth of a challenging life hidden from others.
Virginia Satir noted that most of us live inhuman lives because we live inhuman rules about ourselves. The following unspoken rules are alive and well in many families and churches today:
- Don't show your feelings.
- Don't show off.
- Don't talk back.
- Always be nice.
- Don't fight.
- Always be good.
- Obey authority at all times.
- Always be on time.
- Don't boast; pride goes before the fall.
- Mistakes can kill, so never make one.
When I felt emotions such as anger, sadness, or disappointment, I tried to ignore them. Wasn't the Christian life supposed to be joyful and abundant? I asked God to take these feelings away; he didn't. So I kept lying. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
Scazzero recounted a painful moment in her life when her husband intentionally failed to show up for a very important family event. She let her pain and anger boil for five years before it got brought out into the light of day. FIVE YEARS!!!! Holy cow! But we all have a way of not being honest with ourselves and others about the pain we cause each other. We stuff it somewhere and swear we're not bothered by anything. But this pattern of lying, while it may keep the peace for awhile, catches up with us...
Lying may provide short-term relief. It comes, however, at a cost. What seems like a harmless lie at the moment becomes more complicated and difficult with time. The easy way out turns out to be more difficult. Our relationships grow more distant and diminishes in quality. People's trust in us lessens. Our stress increases. We carry more anxiety in having to remember what version of reality we told people. And most importantly, our ability to love God and others, the very meaning of our existence, worsens. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
She realized in time that if she hoped to experience love in her life, she needed to make a change.
Lying on the inside made it impossible for me to genuinely love others. My inner conflicts combined with repressed sadness and anger rendered me unpredictable and unsafe. Anger smoldered beneath my loving Christian demeanor. The day I admitted I wasn't really a very loving person was the day I took a huge step toward becoming a loving person. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
Being honest with ourselves can be incredibly sobering. I don't think we are called to feel miserable about ourselves all day long, but I do think we are called to walk humbly, in full awareness of our potential for being really foolish. Being honest with others is no less challenging...
Speaking truth does not ensure a welcomed response from your listener. Truth spoken irresponsibly or disrespectfully almost always creates unnecessary damage... Speaking truth in love involves choosing the right timing, using words respectfully, taking responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings, and speaking in the "I". We are not born with these skills; they must be learned and practiced... Speaking the truth skillfully is one of the most significant ways we acknowledge and respect the image of God in ourselves and others. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
I love what Scazzero says about not being born with the skills to be graciously honest with each other. So true! She and her husband believe it so much that they have made an effort to teach their congregation how to speak the truth...
New Life Fellowship Church: How to Speak the Truth
Respectfully. Be polite, not insulting, taking the other person's feelings into account.
- Disrespectful: "That idea stinks..."
- Respectful: "That is an interesting idea," or "I'm puzzled by..."
Honestly. Say what you truly think or feel; don't lie or fudge the truth.
- Dishonest: "I can't go to lunch. I have other plans."
- Honest: "I prefer not to go to lunch today because I want to have time alone."
Directly. Don't beat around the bush or drop hints to avoid truth. Don't make a statement when you are really asking a question.
- Indirect: "There is a good movie playing at the theater, but it's raining out."
- Direct: "Would you be willing to go to the movies with me tonight even though it is raining?"
Clearly. Think before you speak in order to describe well what you want to say. Include details.
- Unclear: "I'd like you to cook dinner sometimes.
- Clear: "I'd like you to cook dinner Tuesdays and Thursdays and be responsible for all the ingredients you need."
While it may seem like a lot of work, the payoff is priceless...
Once you end the pretense of superficiality and "niceness" that characterizes so much of Christian culture today, you will experience liberation, freedom, and a genuine body life that is truly a taste of the kingdom of heaven. Your relationships grow more authentic. With nothing to hide, your stress levels and anxieties decrease. Your self-esteem grows more solid because your integrity isn't broken. Peace with God, yourself, and others permeates your life. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
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