Emotions: Bill Krimm and Joni Yacoe

Bill and Joni did a fantastic job today teaching on the subject of emotions – a fitting end to the I Quit series. I am not going to attempt to restate all that they had to say. I can’t. But what I would like to do is share what struck me in particular, and hope that some of you might comment on what struck you.

On thing that hit me today was that so-called negative emotions are are the first that we learn and use in life. Crying out in anger or fear gets us fed and clothed and changed as babies. These are inherent survival skills. I have tended to devalue these emotions as an adult, seeing them as too primary. I need to respect them as they are, and let them inform me when they show up in myself, and honor them when they are elicited in others.

Another insight was how very different men are from women. Women have a much greater capacity to articulate emotional “stuff”. Their language is wider than men, typically, and they are naturally more apt to acknowledge emotional concerns in a relationship. I am wondering if, as a guy, instead of reacting to my wife’s concerns (women are responsible for bringing up emotional stuff 70% of the time compared to men), I may want to try and view her insights as an invitation to discover what I have missed. If Lynne has picked up on something, I have likely missed it. Asking more questions to gain clarity will help me grow in my emotional maturity, and will strengthen our relationship all the more.

It was also nice to hear that church has a positive impact on one’s ability to handle stress. Makes sense. In church we are surrounded by community. In church we are challenged to learn and grow every week, which means we first are assuming we have something to learn. In church we are reminded that the world is much bigger than our little individual lives, which may help us keep things in perspective a bit. And, of course, in church we seek greater, more intimate relationship with God. God’s presence provides comfort, healing, support, strength, and an unshakable foundation upon which we can be vulnerable.

I also appreciated hearing why breathing works. I learned to employ this technique years ago, but I didn’t know the Vagus Nerve connection. Now I know one reason why it works!

How about you? What struck you today?

I Quit Ignoring Emotions

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. – Psalm 4:4 (NLT)

Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26 (NLT)

The summer before sixth grade, I attempted to give our lawnmower a complete tune up. This meant that I would take apart the motor, clean it thoroughly, replacing gaskets as necessary. My brother (who would eventually become a mechanical engineer) had torn down go cart motors, lawnmowers, even the engines of his cars – how hard can it be to take apart a motor, clean it, and put it back together? Easy for my brother. Practically impossible for me. I did my best, and when I had it all back together my brother came into the garage to “encourage” me. I told him it wasn’t running. He noticed there were parts left over that belonged somewhere in that Toro’s motor. Then he started laughing at me. And moved onto ridiculing me for what was probably a good 45 minutes (or 30 seconds – but who can be sure).

I was holding up pretty good, but I was getting weak. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do something my big brother could do with blindfolded. I told him to shut up a few times, which just added fuel to the fire. My mom heard the ruckus and came into the garage to see what was happening. I was doing everything I could to not cry, honestly. And then he made fun of me yet again. I broke.

Much to his surprise (and mine, too), I flew across the garage and plowed him into the wall.

In hindsight, this was pretty strategic, since he couldn’t retaliate right away with my mom standing there. 

Now he was the one embarrassed, having been smacked down by his younger, smaller brother.

I grew up in a household where I cannot ever remember my parents raising their voice with each other or any of us kids. I got spanked three or four times – this was before spanking was strongly discouraged. Even though I don’t believe in spanking, I do believe in accountability. Believe me, I earned those pats on my bottom! But they were rare.

My brother and I basically got along. My sisters tangled a bit, but nothing crazy. The picture I want to paint for you is a very peaceful household, because it was. Anger wasn’t really given much oxygen. Neither were other “negative” emotions like fear and sadness. And so, while it was a calm upbringing, when I became an adult, I didn’t know how to deal well with my emotions – did I even have any? And I didn’t know how to deal well with other people’s “negative” emotions, either.

People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness. – Proverbs 14:29

Some people pick up a bad lesson from their church experience: it’s not okay to be angry, or sad, or afraid. Geri Scazzero learned this: This left me feeling powerless, so I found other avenues for my anger. I complained. I blamed. I criticized. I defended myself. These outlets gave me the illusion of power (from I Quit!). I think I just stuffed my anger, sadness, and fear deeper and deeper. I just didn’t know what else to do with it. I knew I didn’t like seeing people express anger, sadness, or fear, and so I did my best to stay as even-keel as possible.

Feelings are a gift, though, that need to be appreciated and respected. Every emotion is an indicator light on our dashboard letting us know something is happening. Fear can save our lives by alerting us to potential danger. Sadness reveals our level of care and concern. Anger serves sometimes as a meter alerting us to injustice.

Fools vent their anger, but the wise hold it back. Proverbs 29:11 (NLT)

It seems that the collective wisdom of scripture is to be aware of all our feelings, and be responsible with the way we respond to what we are feeling. Stuffing my feelings was a terrible idea. Ever stick a pack of Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke? Pretty entertaining. Check it out here. When I would stuff my anger or sadness, it would eventually build up and explode. And it wasn’t nearly as lovely as the fountain display on the video. Whoever pulled the lever on the slot machine of my anger got way more than they expected or could handle. The anger wasn’t bad – how I handled it was bad. Are you a stuffer? Have you exploded on some people? Not good. Or maybe you never stuff anything. Maybe you’re just the opposite. Maybe you just run with your feelings, and let the chips fall where they may without much restraint or reflection. Not good. You may feel relieved, but how many people paid the price for your lack of control?

Control you temper, for anger labels you a fool. Ecclesiastes 7:9 (NLT)

Sadness is another tough emotions for Christians. Jesus followers are supposed to be happy, right? We’re forgiven, after all. So when we experience sadness, we wonder if we are a failure or something. So we do our best to not let on to our level of sadness. We keep it to ourselves to save face. I have buried my fair share of sadness over the course of my lifetime. Different experiences unearth the pain, and since I now know not to run from the pain but to look at it squarely, I am amazed at how deep some of those wells of mourning go. Sometimes reading stuff triggers it. Sometimes a life experience. Sometimes a movie. Sometimes a song. I wish I had known to process the pain as it happened, because I recognize now that I put a barrier on my growth by not dealing with stuff.

It doesn’t matter how much you read your Bible, do good works, go to church, serve others, or know about God. If you are not honest about your true feelings, you will be stunted in your spiritual growth with God and limited in your relationships. – Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Fear creates another problem for Christians. “Do not fear” is a recurring word from God throughout the Bible. Shouldn’t we be free of fear if we’re full of faith? Doesn’t fear, therefore, indicate our lack of faith? Aren’t there some things we should be genuinely afraid of? Are we really supposed to handle rattlesnakes as an act of faith? Isn’t there are better way to prove out faith? Maybe care for the poor and those without a voice?

What about Jesus? Did he live with anger, sadness, and fear? In fact, he did. There are numerous instances where Jesus was angry. He was angry with religious holier-than-thou types who cared more about being right than living in the right way. He was angry at money changers in the Temple who were ripping off (particularly) the poor. He was angry at the reality of death and the hopelessness experienced when we lose people we love – so much so that he wept.

Jesus was deeply saddened as he looked on Jerusalem, knowing the fate that awaited him. He was sad because he knew how slow the people of God had been to actually represent God to people. They had killed so many prophets before him…

Jesus was afraid. The night he was arrested, he was praying, sweating buckets, terrified, while the disciples sawed logs.

Jesus was no stranger to the full range of human emotion. And if the Gospels are accurate, his anger got the best of him on occasion, especially when he got on a roll about the religious zealots of the day.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)

So how do you deal with your emotions? Are you bland across the board? Do you only elicit the more positive emotions? Do you only emote the so called “negative” emotions? Are you a stuffer/exploder? Are you an unreflective spewer?

But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. – Colossians 3:8 (NLT)

How well do you sleep? How is your overall health? Do you eat antacids like candy? Do you stress eat? Do you console yourself with porn, booze, drugs, prescriptions, etc.? Here’s the deal: if you don’t deal with your emotions with respect, they will deal with you, and you won’t like how they do. You’ll overeat (one of my favorite ways to avoid pain) and not feel so good. You’ll have stomach issues. Sleep problems. Irritability. Lack of creativity. Strained relationships at home and work. The list goes on and on.

Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. – James 1:20 (NLT)

I am a father. I realize that my son and daughter have been learning from me from day one. I want to minimize what they will need to unlearn in order to experience all that life has to offer.

May we have the courage to face our emotions in spite of our upbringing, our religious tradition, and our fear. May we learn to respond instead of react, and when we do, may it be honorable, appropriate, and redemptive.

Henri Nouwen: We ought to spend 50 percent of our time living our lives and the other 50 percent reflecting on what is being lived.

I Quit Living Someone Else's Life

Nick Carraway moved from the Middle West to work in the bond market in New York City. He found a small house to rent on the North Shore of Long Island. His house sat next to a very large home which belonged to Jay Gatsby. Gatsby had parties every weekend that ran into the wee hours of the night. The guest list was a veritable Who's Who of New York City's elite crowd. Carraway was basically an unknown entity, just trying to learn his way into a new occupation after coming back from the war.


As time carried on, Carraway got to know Gatsby more and more. He discovered that the mansion, and the parties, and all the glitz was to win the heart of a woman he loved five years before. In fact, he bought the mansion because he could see her large estate just across the water. He wanted to fit into the elite crowd, to gain their acceptance - and more specifically, her acceptance.


I won't spoil the book if you haven't read it yet, or the movie that comes out this December. But let me just say that Gatsby struggled with the topic of this chapter of Scazzero's book. Much of his life was built around what he assumed others would applaud.

Toward the end of his life, Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw was asked what person in history he would most like to have been. He responded by saying he would most like to have been the George Bernard Shaw he might have become but never did. - Ger Scazzero, I Quit

I knew a man years ago who was very poor. He lived in a county housing project. He lived off of "the system." If you ever talked with him, you would discover that he played for the Chicago Bears in the late 1960's. He was a pretty big guy, and had some great stories to tell of the earlier years of pro football. If you got to know him a bit better, you would also discover that he was fighting the NFL over retirement income he was due but had never received. His lawyers told him that one day his ship came in. Apparently, it did. Within a few days, he was driving a loaded, brand new sports sedan. The girl woman he had a crush on for years finally returned the love - they got engaged just days after his outlook turned richer. Promises to help his impoverished family were given lavishly. He was also immediately courted by leaders of institutions who were happy to talk about how he might use his new fortune to create endowments in his name. He went from a lovable peasant to royalty overnight.


But within a week or two, everybody who knew of his good luck found out the whole thing was a lie. A lie that he had perpetuated for at least a decade.


He kept the lie up because he wanted to matter in the eyes of his community, and especially in the eyes of one woman in particular.


The truth is, Gatsby lives in all of us to some extent. We all find ourselves lured and shaped by the impersonal culture and the intimate relationships that surround us. All the voices tell us what we should be. We can very easily give heed and lose ourselves. We get duped! We think that if we follow the script, we'll get the life we want. But we find out the hard way at times that it's not that easy.

From Parker Palmer (Let Your Life Speak):

Most of us arrive at a sense of self only through a long journey through alien lands. But this journey bears no resemblance to the trouble-free "travel packages" sold by the tourism industry. It is more akin to the ancient tradition of pilgrimage - "a transformative journey to a sacred center" full of hardship, darkness and peril.

Much of Scazzero's book has been about living out of our True Selves as Thomas Merton would phrase it - being who we were especially made to be. It is impossible to shake all the influences that have shaped us - and foolish, too, since we are all products of our inherent self spiced with all the experiences of life up to this point. But we can discover a different kind of life that is energized by another Source which is infinitely more potent and profound.


There is an oft-quoted passage of scripture from the Gospel of John. It is referenced at sporting events the world over with a simple "3:16". The particular verse speaks of God desiring to give eternal life to all who believe in Jesus. It is a quote from Jesus, apparently, and is part of a conversation Jesus had with a religious leader named Nicodemus.


Nicodemus came under cover of night to get the skinny on Jesus. One of the challenging concepts Jesus shared with Nic at night was that God's desire was to breathe life into his people. Jesus recalled a vision experienced by the Old Testament prophet Ezekiel where he saw a valley of dry human bones come to life by the breath of God. The metaphor painted a picture of what God wants to do with us - breathe new life into us. We experience this the more we walk in the Way of Jesus and in relationship with the Living God.


To this end, Scazzero gives a few guidelines that help insure that we keep on the narrow way that leads to life.


1. Discover Your Integrity. This is all about living according to your True Self - the inherent you that most reflects the image of God, the source of love.

Nothing is more important that being faithful to the will of the Father and growing in love. When I overextend myself or start doing things God has not asked me to do, my capacity to love shrinks. I often ask myself, "If I say yes to this person or commitment, will I be a more, or less, loving person?" - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!



2. Listen To Your Inner Rhythm. You are wired in a certain way, and need to honor it. I am not a morning person. Maybe in a decade or two it will change, but I've tried to become a morning person. My wife and kids will agree that it fosters a Grumpy Self, not a True Self. Coming to grips with your place on introversion/extroversion continuum helps inform your steps, too. The point is to honor the rhythm that is hard-wired into you - don't do stuff simply because others think it's a good idea.


3. Set Your Boundaries. Only you can protect your personal boundaries. Only you can say no or yes. Determine what healthy looks like, and promote and protect it with solid boundaries.


4. Let Go Of Others. Guess what? Even if you think you can control others, you can't. So stop.

One of the litmus tests to discern my spiritual growth in letting go is to detect when traces of resentment and judgmentalism prevail in my heart rather than an appreciation of differences. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Write Your Manifesto. Putting pen to paper and writing down who and what you are about is incredibly clarifying and empowering. Have you don't it? It doesn't guarantee that you'll reach your goal, but you'll at least know where you're going. It also doesn't guarantee that it will be easy. In fact, you will experience constant pressure to conform to the world around you. But consider the salmon swimming upstream - they innately know just how to push themselves against the current to propel themselves up waterfalls. If they can do it, you can do it!


As she concludes this chapter, Scazzero reminds us of Rosa Parks. Parks, of course, is the most famous person in history for taking a seat on a bus. A black woman, she took a seat in the front, white only section in the Deep South. Her action sparked a movement that led to greater racial equality in the U.S. When asked why she took that seat that day, she simply said, "I was tired." Her actions were in line with her beliefs. She could no longer sit in the back of the bus - she was too tired to live in inequality any longer. May you have the awareness to know what you need to do, and the courage to do it.

I Quit Blaming II

This teaching featured a dialogue between Pastor Pete and Loren Haas.  Loren is co-leader of DivorceCare in Napa, along with his wife, Lisa.  Because of Loren's experience and reading, he has great stuff to share with us in this dialogue.  Enjoy!  Download and listen by clicking here.