Transformation Doesn’t Just Happen. It rarely happens in a person’s life, and usually not voluntarily (because it is difficult). Yet Christ calls us to a transformed life, where we align ourselves more and more with the Way of Christ, and less and less with the systems that hold our world in its clutches. We are to be in the world, but not of the world (2 Cor. 10). Academics agree on a basic process that, if followed, makes the likelihood of genuine transformation more likely. The process assumes community – we are not alone and indeed will probably fail if we attempt transformation all by our lonesome! Here is the process in a nutshell: identify your current viewpoint/position regarding the area you’re seeking to transform; identify the truth about that area (from scripture, in our case); compare and contrast what you have believed with what is true; imagine how your thinking and actions would be different if you lived by truth; commit to live by truth (start doing it); report to community about how your living-according-to-new-truth is going.
My goal today is to help you with the creative imagination piece, by giving you an example of one couples choice on how they did parenting. They happen to be my parents. You can blame them for all the bad stuff you see in me. Not my fault whatsoever! Seriously, blame them. I’ve done it for years. Works really well. Here we go…
The Formation of Pete. My parents were raised in the church. They were both preachers’ kids (P.K.’s), which, I am sure, greatly informed the way they chose to raise me and my older siblings. I offer the following to you as food for thought. How I was raised was different than how my friends were raised, and I knew it. In other words, my parents decided not to go the way of the culture. I am choosing to focus mainly on my high school years, because these had a profound impact on me as I was navigating my way toward early adulthood. My parents weren’t perfect, and they didn’t raise a perfect son – I’m referring to my brother, Mark, of course, and not myselfJ. Seriously, I hope that what they did will give you a reference to consider as you make your own decisions, and how you influence those who are trying to navigate their journey as well. I am also focusing on how they related family life and the church. All four of us kids are grown up, we all love Christ, and we are all committed to the Kingdom. They must have done something right! BTW, my wife’s parents raised her family about as identically as you can get, with practically the same result with her sisters. But that’s her story to share.
Sunday Worship Wasn’t Optional. Honestly, I never thought to ask if I could skip out, because making Sunday worship was such a priority. It was our ethos. Even when we didn’t have commitments to fulfill, worship was what we did on Sunday mornings. This idea stuck with me. When I was in college, and had the option to go or not, I went. Not going felt foreign to me.
Our church was a traditional church in downtown Lansing, MI, and was not particularly culturally relevant. Services were thoughtful and well done, but most of the younger set would have had difficulty connecting with it. I can’t say that I can remember a single sermon from all those years. I can’t remember what we ate every Sunday after church, either. But I know that I was fed – in the service and after the service. Sitting in that environment however, had a lasting, positive impact.
Lesson learned: Don’t feel guilty about taking the “optional” out of worship. The environment in worship has a greater impact than you realize, even if you or your kids can’t recognize it immediately. It’s an ethos thing. It’s a practice thing. It’s a being thing. It’s a rhythm thing.
Sow the seed of worship being a priority, and you amy reap a re-prioritized life that works better.
Ministry Was Normal and Expected. During my sophomore in high school I began singing in the church choir. I was one of the only youth in the choir at that time, and at first I felt a little conspicuous. That year, I played football, sang in the elite school chorale that traveled a lot during Christmas, and played in the jazz band which also had a lot of gigs. I also began working a part time job that year (my parents hadn’t heard of the allowance idea – sucks to be Dutch sometimes). I was very busy. And yet I still made it to rehearsal every Thursday evening, even when ice hit the roads – common in central Michigan. With the 20 minute commute included, that became around a two hour commitment every week, on top of my other stuff. I was able to stay on the honor roll all the way through. I tell you this not to in any way brag, but to let you know that because we made ministry a priority, we fit it in, and the rest of my life did not suffer. In fact, it was greatly blessed, because that weekly rehearsal was another touch point with my faith community.
Lesson learned: we make time for our priorities. Make the Kingdom a priority, and you’re not going to suffer – in fact, you will be blessed.
Seed sown: ministry is important. Reaped: Blessing.
Relationships Happened. Al, Stan, Don, and Fred. These were men who sat around me during rehearsal. Al was a bicycle repairman near Michigan State University. Stan worked for the State in some sort of office job. Don and Fred were professional something-or-others. Each of these guys was well over 40 – ancient from a teen ager’s perspective. But we served together in the music ministry. We laughed at each other when we screwed up. We helped each other learn our parts. We sang passionately the words and phrases that proclaimed our faith. When the evening would end with prayer, I heard about the life struggles these guys were facing, and prayed for them. They cared about me in their words, their presence, and their demeanor toward me. They showed up for my musicals. They came to my graduation open house. They were genuinely excited to see me when I came home from college during breaks. They were supportive all through my seminary years. They cheered me on through my ordination at that church, and made a big deal out of my pursuit of ministry. More than other youth who were around (there weren’t many anyway), these guys were my community.
I felt connected not because we had a tremendous youth group (it sucked, to be honest). I felt connected because I was connected. Their presence in my life helped me stay engaged.
Lesson learned: Get involved somewhere, because the value goes way beyond completing the task of the ministry. This journey we’re on together is all about relationships – with God, with each other, with ourselves, with our world. Relationships don’t just happen. Sometimes, working alongside each other is one of the most powerful ways to build relationships with people you might not normally engage.
Sown: Time/place/excuse for relationships to develop. Reaped: Formative relationships.
Giving Was Modeled. My parents never clued me in to how much they gave when I was in high school, but I knew they gave consistently. I would later learn that they had begun giving ten percent of their income to the Kingdom – a tithe. A few moments of giving stand out for me. We had a man named Zau Ya from Burma immigrate to the US. He was a wonderfully humble, polite middle-aged man. One Christmas, we bought a bunch of stuff and took it over to his apartment to help him out. He was poor, we were not, and we helped because we could, and because we knew him and his need. Another moment was when they inherited some money, and gave something like $10,000 toward missions through our church. I remember thinking to myself how cool I thought it was. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t go to more selfish places, like, “Why aren’t we getting a new TV, or boat, or whatever?” I think those thoughts didn’t occur to me because the idea of being generous toward the Kingdom was instilled deeply in me. Turns out my parents learned it from their parents. Hmmm – maybe modeling works pretty well.
Lynne and I have had our financial ups and downs. Most of our years, we’ve been able to make the tithe happen. The economy affects us, too, as do stupid decisions we’ve made from time to time that throw us off course for awhile. But our desire to support what the Kingdom is doing is deeply ingrained into both of us. Giving of ourselves and our time, and making the Kingdom a priority is home for us.
Lesson learned: making the Kingdom a budget priority gets noticed by your kids, especially if they know you’re doing it! If they wonder why you choose the Kingdom, remind them of your priorities. Sometimes making the Kingdom a top priority means you recognize some of your wants aren’t worth much. Sometimes it means you just have to wait a little longer before you get the thing that’s worth it. Your pattern will have an affect on your kids.
Sow: Generosity. Reap: Better-managed finances, better world.
When We Weren’t At Church. I’ve heard of Sunday Christians – people who show up on Sunday and then become completely different people the rest of the week. My parents were 24/7 Christians, and still are. My mom usually had a book laying around that she was working through, and a devotional book of some sort could usually be found where she would encounter it at some point in the day.
The tone of our home was peace. The influences were monitored. I was given trust, but also a leash. When I broke trust, I paid for it. One prom night, I stayed out all night because our group date crashed at one house, watched movies, and finished the experience with breakfast the next morning. It wasn’t a party – there wasn’t alcohol; it wasn’t an orgy – there wasn’t any “purple” as I recall. But I missed my curfew by about five hours… My folks didn’t yell at me. Their initial silence, however, was deafening! They let me know they were disappointed in me, and that I was grounded for awhile. The thing that stuck me was that my mom told me that trust had been broken, and that it would take time to rebuild. I hurt the most important relationship in my life at that time. That hurt. My fault. Ours was not a legalistic home at all – but certain things were simply not a part of our picture. My folks have never gotten into alcohol on any level – it is an acquired taste, after all – they never acquired it. So I never saw my folks out of control (except maybe at a dessert bar, I suppose!). Their language was clean, and the shows we watched were clean.
Lesson learned: be wise about the influences you allow to impact yourself and your kids, and remember that holding your kid accountable is a good thing – that’s one way they learn.
Sow: Shalom. Reap: Shalom.
Things We’re Adding Into Our Ethos. There are some things my parents didn’t do that I wish they did. I don’t blame them for it – they did the best they knew to do, improving upon what they learned from their parents. My kids will certainly do the same. Such is life. We do a lot of the stuff our parents did for us: Sunday isn’t an option; we live with the Kingdom mission in mind; we serve and have our kids serve right alongside us; we let them rub shoulders with folks of all ages here, and they feel at home here because of it.
I would have enjoyed more communication with my parents, even as a youth. I probably didn’t give any indication of this to my parents – I wanted them to think everything was just fine, of course. I did not want to disappoint them, which meant I kept my mouth shut about sensitive subjects. When I had a faith meltdown that kept me in a faith crisis for the last two years of high school and the first two years of college, I wish I could have picked their brain on some of life’s biggest questions. But I didn’t instigate, which I bet is pretty common among youth even today. They didn’t think to instigate, because they didn’t see any symptoms of trouble. I could have benefitted from more communication about grown-up issues like sex and alcohol. Basically, the implied answer was “Just say no” to both. The reasoning behind that good answer was never talked about. Talking about these two whoppers probably would have been good for them, too. They would have had eyes to see some things differently, and would have known to pay attention to some things a little more closely.
There were a couple times when my immaturity caught up with me, and I should have died. Once, because I was driving myself and a date home heavily buzzed and was driving on the wrong side of the highway. (Side note to parents: your kid can get their hands on booze or whatever they’re into). And another time, I should have died from alcohol poisoning after I lost badly playing quarters and downed so much beer, so fast, that I should have made the evening news with my death. Luckily, friends knew not to let me drive home. We never talked about this stuff. I wish we had.
Lynne and I have learned that balance matters a lot. My most important relationships in this life after God are with my wife and kids. I struggle to leave work at the office. I struggle to turn off my brain because I love Christ, and I love what the Kingdom is all about. But I have learned to boundary my time to insure, as much as possible, that I am available to my wife and kids. This is difficult, because being a pastor is more a way of life than it is a job. I work hard to make sure that I am being a good steward to my first calling – my family. Obviously, I think it makes me a better husband and father. But I also think it makes me a better man, and even a better pastor.
Nowhere Near Perfect. In no way do I claim to have all the answers. I am not perfect. My wife is not perfect. My kids are not perfect. The family I grew up in was not perfect. The way my parents raised me? Imperfect. I share it with you simply to stir your creative imagination so that as you consider what God is calling you toward, you have what might be a totally different reference to compare and contrast. Some of you excelled where my parents struggled. Share your story with others. We need to learn from each other. I need to learn from those of you who have navigated the teen years helping your kids be responsible with sexuality and substances. I don’t know how my kids are going to be once they graduate high school. We may face some major challenges ahead. We need you. You may be dealing with some stuff I’ve noted. You need us. We need each other.
Sowing and Reaping. Paul, in speaking to the church at Corinth (2 Corinthians 9:6-15), uses a simple statement to communicate volumes of truth: you reap what you sow. We often use this phrase when something negative happens. A person gets drunk and does stupid things for which he or she has to pay – they are reaping what they sowed. People have unprotected sex outside of marriage and face some serious decisions – reaping (literally) what they have sown. Poor life choices affect families, poor communication strategies wipe out marriages, poor behavioral choices significantly deter a child’s development – all reaping what was sown.
But imagine if we take seriously the positive side of this truth? What if we take seriously God’s invitation to do life according to the Way of Christ? What will be reaped if we sow Christ into our lives? God’ promise is clear: abundant life for you and greater likelihood of abundant life for everybody else. For the way you parent or grandparent, what you sow will be reaped – so what are you sowing? What can you expect to reap? For your life balance and passions – what are you sowing, and what can you expect to reap? For your finances – what are you sowing into? What can you expect to reap?
The Way of Christ looks after your best interests and at the same time looks out for all others. Shalom is what our Jewish ancestors dreamed of. Shalom is global salvation. Salvation is what the Way of Christ brings. Salvation is wholeness. Salvation is healing. Salvation in it’s fullness is a Spirit-led journey where our minds are open enough to be transformed, where we’re humble enough to turn away from things that are destructive, wise enough to embrace God’s invitation to live differently, convicted enough to stand for and in Christ’s Way no matter what, affected enough to believe in the face of despair, and in community enough to learn how to love and be loved. Salvation/shalom is the Way we are invited to sow. What will be reaped is life abundant (John 10:10). The question for all of us to ponder throughout our lives is: are we sowing Christ in order to reap Christ? Are our lives reflecting the Way so that we can expect the Way to be reaped?
May you choose to carefully examine the way of life you've chosen.
May you compare it to the Way of Christ.
May you choose the latter more than the former.
May you and the rest of God's kids on the planet might live life to the full.
