120422 I Quit Fearing What Others Think

My need to be what other people wanted and expected me to be was far too great to actually allow me to stand up for myself.  While I had been a committed Christian for many years, my primary identity was defined not by God's love for me but by what others thought of me.

- Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Do any of the following scenarios (adapted from Scazzero's book) sound familiar to you?

• Have you ever been out to dinner at a restaurant with friends, and when it came time to pay the bill, the group decided to simply divide the bill evenly, even though you only ordered saltines and water?  Did you decide not to say anything as you internally fumed that you just doled out $25 for some cheap crackers?
• Have you ever gotten your hair cut and think it stinks, but refused to say anything because you didn't want to hurt the stylist's feelings?
• Have you ever been hurt by a friend's comment but didn't say anything because you didn't want to seem overly sensitive?
• Your friends go out to see a movie together, but you're the only one who doesn't want to see what they choose.  You go anyway, feeling ripped off because you didn't want to pay $12 to see the Three Stooges (and you're starving 'cause all you ate for dinner was crackers!).
• Your family wants you to attend your aunt's retirement party even though you don't have the half day it would take to drive there, attend the party, and drive back.  You go anyway because you don't want to face your family's disapproval.
• You remain in an unhealthy dating relationship because you don't know how to end it.  You don't want people thinking you can't make a relationship work.
• You are visiting a neighbor and your kid is out of control.  You don't want to discipline, because you are afraid that a temper tantrum will follow, which will be embarrassing for you.
• You have an employee who is underperforming, dragging the rest of the team down.  Your hints aren't getting through.  You can't bear the thought of firing him, so you hire an additional staff member to cover for him.
• Your boss uses inappropriate language around you and others, even sexually suggestive remarks.  You say nothing because you don't want to be seen as a stuck up prude.
• You have changed your hairstyle in ten years because your spouse is against it.  You want to change, but don't.  Your resentment builds toward your spouse.
• You would like to speak to your spouse about your sex life but are afraid to say anything.  You are not sure how your spouse will react, so you just go with the flow.
• You are asked to volunteer for a ministry at church, and say yes because you don't want to disappoint the person asking, and you want people to think you are a dedicated Christian.

Geri recounts in her book how she maintained a lifestyle driven by a fear of what others might think of her - her husband, family, church, friends, etc.  After years of being drained by this approach, she was in need of a radical shift in her life.  Being a pastor's wife, much of her stress was directly or indirectly related to the church she and her husband founded.  She determined that, at that point in her journey, she could not move into health while attending their church.  She needed a break.  So she took one.  She went to another church for an extended period of time to work out what was happening in her life.  It was one of the most healthy, important decisions she ever made.

The problem, I would learn, was not ultimately the church, Pete, the congestion of New York City, or our four young children.  The hard truth was that the primary problem was me.  Monumental things inside of me needed to change.

- Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Geri discovered that she was looking to others to tell her "I'm okay".  She realized, however, that this way of life did not jibe with her faith.

Geri Scazzero, I Quit:

Relying on the approval of others for our sense of self-worth is a direct contradiction of biblical truth.  Our "okayness" - that is, our lovability, our sense of being good enough - ultimately must come not from others but from two foundational realities: 

We are made in God's image.

We have a new identity in Christ.  

Geri kicked herself for allowing her center to shift away from God and onto others.  But she also learned that many people who are considered "greats" in our faith were as human as she was, and struggled similarly.

Peter, the fisherman-turned-disciple provides a great example.  He was without doubt one of the most outspoken of the disciples, and certainly looked at as a leader within the twelve.  He was the only one who asked to walk on water when Jesus scared the beeswax out of them one night on the Sea of Galilee.  He was the first to say out loud that Jesus was the Christ/Messiah - the anointed one of God who would usher in a new age.  He was the only one who put his life on the line the night Jesus was arrested, drawing a sword and cutting off a guard's ear (which was immediately healed by Jesus).  Peter was the only one who dared enter the Temple Court when Jesus was being illegally tried before the Jewish leaders.  He was one of the first to risk being caught after Jesus' death as he ran to the tomb to see if the rumors of Jesus' resurrection were true.  He was the bold preacher during the Feast of Pentecost, proclaiming the story of Jesus and inviting any and all to follow Him.  He was the guy who boldly preached even when it got him arrested.  He was the guy who healed a paralytic, raised a woman from the dead, and the first to baptize a Gentile convert.  He is claimed to have been the first in a long line of church leaders now known as the "Pope."

But Peter was also very human.  He told Jesus he was wrong about going back to Jerusalem.  He initially refused to let Jesus wash his feet. He said he would never renounce Christ, yet did so three times when the pressure was on.  He was restored by Jesus after the resurrection, but immediately whined about his apparent future which included martyrdom.  He challenged God on God's prerogative to abolish formerly held Jewish restrictions immediately following a dramatic vision.  Even after he had seen great things happen, he still caved under pressure when Jewish Christians were "Judaizing" Christianity - a direct contradiction to the very vision he had received years earlier. While all of these cannot fall under the domain of "fear of what others might think", a good number of them do.

For many Christians today, the love of God in Christ remains an intellectual belief we affirm rather than an experiential reality that transforms our thoughts and feelings about ourselves.  As a result, we continue to look for love from other people in destructive ways.

- Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

To live with the tension of earnestly following God and being pulled to follow our lesser inclinations is the human predicament.  Get used to it - you'll never totally champion this reality - Jesus himself struggled with it to the end.

But this is not to suggest that we give up our effort to follow God.  There are good reasons to quit being afraid of what others think.

Four Reasons to Stop Living for the Approval of Others (from Scazzero's I Quit!):

1. You Violate your Own Integrity.  As a Jesus follower, honoring God's thoughts and ways are what we confess to believe.  When we give in to people pressure, we violate our core belief.  But what are we left with if we lack integrity?
2. What or Whom You Love Is at Stake.  Geri knew she had to make a change or it may have led to her own breakdown, or her marriage's breakdown, and could eventually impact her relationship with her kids.  Making changes can be really hard.  Losing the people you value most is harder.
3. The Pain of Your Present situation is So Great You Have to Make a Change. My grandfather was a pastor.  Early in his career, he was pushing himself so hard that he nearly had an emotional breakdown.  His doctor forced him to take an extended amount of time off, and to rethink his approach to ministry.  He very likely was trying to live up to (imagined) expectations of others, and it nearly ruined his life.  Geri was definitely at that point.  If you are at that point, you know you have to make a change lest a much more painful change ensue.
4. The Fear That Things Will Stay the same is Greater Than the Fear That Things Will Change.  Making a significant change to insure that you don't end up with the same struggle ten years from now is incredibly challenging, but may be necessary.  Maybe you need to leave your job.  Maybe you need to end your going-nowhere relationship.  Maybe you need to stop your partying lifestyle.  Maybe you need to give up a hobby that is taking its toll on your life.

While we can make commitments on occasion that will help us move in the right direction, more than a momentary, emotional "yes" is needed to see a lasting shift away from this fear.  Scazzero offers two daily practices that help us evaluate and implement a different mode of being that is more congruent with walking with Jesus:

Reflect on the Movements of Your Heart.   At the end of your day, spend some time reflecting on your behavior and feelings you experienced.  Were there times when you were motivated more out of fear of what others might think that your identity in Christ?  Write the experiences down, and process the motive behind the action you want to avoid.

Reflect on the Love of God.  Begin each day recalling your First Relationship - God.  Remember who you are as God's child.  Remember the love God has for you.  Live out of that renewed sense of self.