I Quit Blaming!

I Quit Blaming


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Are you a blamer?  You might be a blamer if one of these lovely phrases has slipped past your lips:

"You are ruining my life."

"My boss makes my life miserable.  I wish I could work somewhere else."

"The church is not meeting my needs."

"I am exhausted because my spouse won't take a vacation."

"It is because my job doesn't pay enough that I have so much debt."

"I'm not growing spiritually because the church is so immature."

"Credit card companies are ruining my life."

"My relationship with my fiancé is so bad because he won't go to counseling."

"It's too late for me to change jobs."

"I'm a single mom.  I'll be poor the rest of my life."

"Whenever I visit my parents for the holidays, they stress me out."

"I've never be able to do science or math.  I had terrible teachers."

In the very earliest parts of the Bible (Genesis 3), we read a story about ourselves.  The story recounts Adam and Eve's temptation in the Garden of Eden.  You've heard the story - don't eat the shiny red apple, or you'll find yourself in a coma until your true love comes and kisses your corpse.  Or something like that.  Anyhoo, the serpent comes along, gets Eve confused, and she takes a bite.  Then she offers a bite to Adam who was with her.  He bites.  They both realize they are naked and run away from each other to hide (weird - if I were Adam, that would not be my first thought - can I get an Amen, my brothers!).  Run after Eve - that makes more sense.  But I digress...

So, God comes walking along through the garden, and finds Adam.  He holds him accountable - what have you done?  That woman you gave me made me do it...  God asks Eve her side of the story.  The serpent made me do it...

Ever wondered what Adam and Eve's last name was?  Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Adam and Eve Blamer...

This story served to remind our earliest Jewish ancestors that we are very capable of not just choosing poorly, but blaming someone or something else for our blunder.

When blamers play the victim, they often retain a sense of moral superiority over others.  In doing so, they disown responsibility. - Gerri Scazzero, I Quit!

Geri Scazzero found herself living a life she did not want.  She had been unhappy for years, and it caught up with her.  She had allowed others to dictate her life.  She allowed wrong beliefs to dictate her life, too.

As I look back on the many ways I lost myself in Pete's life, I do not blame him.  Of course, I did at the time.  Although he had blind spots about what was driving his behavior, he was not responsible for my choices.  I was fully responsible for allowing Pete to cross so many of my personal boundaries and to ignore my desire for a different kind of life.  I mistakenly believed I was powerless to change my many frustrating life situations.  The best I could do was to blame Pete and others as life happened to me. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

One of the most important and painful and liberating processes we go through as human beings is owning our own junk.  For lots of reasons we avoid this, sometimes for years, even a lifetime.  Hopefully at some point, however, we will have a moment of clarity and courage where we see the Adam and Eve tendency residing in our being.  We no longer blame someone else, or our circumstances, or the government, or our pedigree for the full share of the responsibility of our problems.  We see our role in the broken relationship.  We name our prejudice.  We recognize our self-centeredness.  This requires courage, because we are hardwired to protect our ego, ourselves, at all costs.  To own our appropriate share is to admit that we are, indeed, imperfect.  Broken.  Capable of great foolishness.  And we can be quite comfortable avoiding responsibility.  

Toward the end of the first century, Tacitus wrote something like this: Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan.

Nobody likes to own their own junk.  Everybody likes to succeed.  You are a loser.  Not me...

If you find yourself surrounded by struggles on every side - sometimes it feels like everyone is out to get you, right? - then the wisest thing you might do is to spend some time owning your share of the junk in your life.  When we own our own stuff, we are much more likely to see improvement in our struggles.  Owning our own junk increases our humility, which serves to open up communication with God, ourselves, and others, which can then lead to redemption.  But if I keep blaming my spouse, my boss, by government, my parents, my kids, etc., I will only remain hostile, grumpy, perpetuating and probably increasing strife in my life (and the lives of others).

To help her readers, Geri Scazzero developed a Personal Freedom Toolkit based on Virginia Satir's work.  Here are the components:

The Fence of Separateness: Practice Boundaries

In addition to establishing and enforcing our own boundaries, we must respect the boundaries of others.  We do this by valuing differences.  When our opinions or ideas are different, we must respect the choices others make, even if they are vastly different than ours.  We do not belittle or demonize them.  We violate the fence of separateness when we tell people what they should think and feel. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

The Voice of Declaration: Speak Up.  Sometimes we find ourselves feeling pushed around because we simply don't say what we want.  We let things go because we don't want to make the other person feel uncomfortable.  So we eat the burger with extra onions that we don't want and drink the double shot latte even though we wanted decaf.  We end up really chatty and with awful breath...  You can speak up using entirely polite, graceful, yet clear language.  Do it!

The Yes/No Medallion: Say Yes or No.  You have the right to say yes and no.  Exercise your right.  If you don't, blame yourself for not making your preference known.

The Heart of Feelings: Pay Attention To Emotions.  Jesus got angry.  It's okay to get angry.  In fact, anger serves us well as an indicator that something is not right.  So is sadness, fear, and anxiety.  When you feel some of these things welling up within, take a moment to check yourself out - you may be headed down a path you'll regret.  Take stock and choose wisely, using emotions as indicators there for your protection.

The Oxygen Mask of Self-Care: Take Care of You.  Sometimes we get depleted because we don't take care of ourselves.  Do you know what recharges your batteries?  Are you protecting your ability to recharge?  Don't blame someone else for your poor calendar keeping - you can't be a very good spouse, parent, friend, employee, or Giants fan if you're running on empty.  You need to be fully charged when the Dodgers come to town. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!  (maybe).

The Mirror of Self-Confrontation: Confront Yourself.  I've talked a bunch about this, but it needs to become a habit.  When do we reflect on our behavior, our attitude, our choices?  If you can't think of when you do this, you're probably not doing it.  You will save yourself future pain and heal up old pain faster if you integrate this self examination into your world.

The Key of Hope: Remain Hopeful.  Here is some good news: God is a redeemer.  God is amazing when it comes to taking awful, ugly, horrible chapters of our lives (or even paragraphs) and bringing something beautiful from it.  It's not that God erases it (even though we are forgiven ), it's that God takes us through the painful messes of life and uses it to do beautiful things in us and through us.  This gives meaning to meaningless pain.  That gives us hope to push forward.

The Hat of Wisdom: Think Carefully.  Because we're hardwired to protect ourselves, I think we naturally tend to react to things instead of respond.  The difference between the two is thoughtfulness.  Reacting gets us into fights.  Responding redirects toward reconciliation and peace.  Responding requires wisdom born of reflection and dialogue with friends, God, the scriptures, and wise people and resources.  

The Badge of Courage: Be Courageous.  It is not easy to own our own junk.  It much easier to keep our egos intact by casting blame away from ourselves.  But there is great strength in honesty.  And great freedom.

Choosing an authentic life does not mean choosing an easy life; these decisions are difficult and involve pain.  The question is whether the pain you choose will be redemptive or destructive. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

I Quit Faulty Thinking

Faulty thinking is when we believe something to be true that is false.  Mark Twain once said, "It isn't what you don't know that hurts you; it is what you know that isn't so."  Faulty thinking is a deadly threat to emotional and spiritual health...  It is also contagious and can spread.  This makes faulty thinking even more dangerous because it operates, for the most part, beyond our conscious awareness.  Eradicating this deadly disease requires such radical surgery that it can almost be compared to getting a brain transplant!  - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

The nature of my work puts me in a lot of conversations where I am entrusted with the details - often painful - of people's lives.  Most of the struggles I hear about are relationship oriented.  I am convinced, after doing this now for almost 20 years, that a lot of our relationship problems are rooted in this problem of faulty thinking.  We hear things differently than the communicator intended.  We say things in ways that we wish we could retract.  We take on a lot of pain unnecessarily, I think, because we have some faulty thinking residing at our core.  In churches, God is added into the mix, and lots of faulty thinking about God, the Bible, and what the point of all of this is supposed to be can create its own weird dynamic.

In his book Hand-Me-Down Blues, Michael Yapko notes Three Major Types of Faulty Thinking:

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking.
2. Taking Things Personally
3. Thinking Things Will Never Change

Take a look at the following statements and discover whether or not these phrases have come off your lips (or commanded your thoughts)...

Examples of All-or-Nothing Thinking:

• My boss will never change.
• Men can't be trusted.
• I'm a loser because she broke up with me.
• Lawyers are deceitful.
• She complains about everything.
• My whole life is stressful.

When our statements include words like always, all, everybody, or never, 

these are usually tip-offs that we are engaging in faulty thinking.  

A simple change in wording can create a major change in us 

and enable us to reframe a situation differently.  Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Examples of Taking Things Personally:

• He did not return my phone call or email.  He must be upset with me.
• I was not invited to the group lunch at work.  they don't like me.
• John didn't acknowledge me at church today.  He is avoiding me.
• I did not get the job.  I don't have the ability to get a job in today's market.
• Susan was silent in the small group that I lead.  I don't think she likes my leadership.

When we land on a negative interpretation because we don't have all the data,

we bring down upon ourselves much unnecessary grief.  

This wrecks havoc in our relationships, leaving us victims or irresponsible blamers.  

It is easy to accumulate a bag full of resentments that are based on something untrue. 

- Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Examples of Thinking Things Will Never Change:

• I'll never have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
• My boss will never understand me.
• Our marriage will always be hard.
• My son will always be difficult because of his learning disability.
• We'll never find a home we like and can afford.

Your future can be better than anything you experienced before.  

The future doesn't have to be more of the same past, hurtful patterns.  

Take the energy you have invested in needlessly overthinking the past 

and put it into making changes for the future.  - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Reality check: quitting faulty thinking is difficult, but rewarding work.

If changing faulty thinking was easy, counseling could be effective via a drive through - would you like fries with your therapy?  The reason this stuff is tough is because it requires some thoughtful digging into who we have become and why.  This stuff takes time and effort, two things a lot of human beings sometimes steer away from.  There aren't any shortcuts, however.  Sometimes we think we can just lay new behavior over our lives like a veneer and it will all work out.  But we often do not keep up the new behavior because something within us makes it hard to stick.  And sometimes the new behavior acts as a catalyst to help us see things differently, but the new vision gets sabotaged by some faulty thinking that impairs the way we view the world.  If at your core you believe women are inferior to men, for example, learning to behave in egalitarian ways may reduce conflict, but the woman married to a man who sees himself as superior will tell you there is no equality.  Faulty thinking at the core.

But there are ways to address our faulty thinking on a core level.  The following is a process that does work, but is not a formula - don't think quick fix here!  Throughout the process, community is preferred over going Lone Ranger.  If you don't have any trusted people in your life, then at least journal this stuff - you'll be able to dig much deeper than if you're simply thinking about stuff while driving, eating, or watching TV.

First, on specific issue or subject, discover what you currently believe, unpacking what and who influenced your thinking.  Go back as far as you can in your memory, searching for your first encounter with this subject/issue.  What did you learn?  Who modeled for you the way you are thinking about this?  What factors played into your way of thinking?  Community plays a huge role here by asking you questions along the way about who and what influenced you and what you came to believe.

"Until you know what you know, you'll never know any different..."  This is a critical truth.  We usually don't start addressing problems at this level.  We usually go right to adding new behaviors, only to find out they don't stick.  They don' stick because the foundation won't allow it.  You are trying to cover your oil-based-paint-foundation problems with latex paint.  It's just a matter of time before it peels off.

Second: Take a well-researched look at the Way of Jesus related to your subject.  Chauvinists will inappropriately apply some of the Apostle Paul's writing to prop up their sense of superiority.  But what about Jesus?  Even though Jesus didn't write any edict proclaiming equality, his actions certainly did.  Jesus treated women as equals, with great respect.  So did Paul, by the way, but if the chauvinist settles for what is comfortable, he'll never bother to find out.  Don't be a chauvinist - do your homework!

Third, recognize the differences between your held beliefs and the Way, and choose the Way with specificity.  If you are a chauvinist, what does it mean to embrace the way?  If the take away is to simply use more politically correct language, you've missed the point.  What does it mean for you to truly embrace equality?  How will that affect your approach to women?

Finally, report back to community on progress; embrace encouragement and counsel as you move forward.  Overcoming long-held, faulty beliefs takes time and practice to overcome.  Without this revisiting process, you are 99% guaranteed to fail.  You need encouragement and reminding from people who love you and who you respect to stay on the Way.

Scazzero offers this final challenge to get us move...

When you find yourself caught in the quicksand of faulty thinking, ask yourself two questions:

1. Am I willing to stop doing the familiar thing that isn't working and try something that feels unfamiliar but may be more likely to succeed?
2. What will I regret twenty years from now if I don't get up and do something to change my situation.

I Quit Overfunctioning

We overfunction when we do for others what they can and should do for themselves.  Overfunctioners prevent people, including themselves, from growing up. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

One of the things I love about Geri Scaszzero's book is that she courageously owns her mistakes, and displays them for her readers, providing us with cautionary tales to help us avoid the same pitfalls.  Her chapter on overfunctioning is no less honest than the rest, and equally challenging.  In this section, Scazzero zeros in on the human tendency to cross over the line into others' territory, providing insight where it is not requested and instruction where it is not invited.  We all struggle with this to some degree.  Parents certainly have to grow through this or else they are in for a heap of pushback!

Are you an overfunctioner?

Overfunctioning inventory:

• I generally know the right was to do things.
• I move in quickly to advise or fix things let they fall apart.
• I have difficulty allowing others to struggle with their own problems.
• In the long run, it is simply easier to do things myself.
• I don't trust others to do as good a job as I can.
• I often do what is asked of me, even if I am already overloaded.
• I don't like to rock the boat, so I cover for others' shortcomings.
• Other people describe me as "stable" and as always "having it together."
• I don't like asking for help because I don't want to be a burden.
• I like to be needed.

If you claimed three of the statements above to be true of you, you may have overfunctioning tendencies.  If you claimed four to seven, you struggle with overfunctioning, and if you affirmed eight or more, you're so deep in overfunctioning that you've probably already rewritten the list.

The following biblical account provides a pretty good case study on the perils of overfunctioning:

Luke 10:38-42 (English Standard Version)

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house.  And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching.  But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.”  But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary.  Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Martha and Mary, especially in that time and culture, would no doubt have been expected to provide hospitality for Jesus and his disciples.  They probably both served, but when Jesus began to talk, Mary decided to listen in, sitting at the feet of Jesus.  This illustrates two things right away.  First, Jesus was open to women getting a close audience - a sharp contrast to rabbis of his day.  Second, Mary was comfortable enough to have a seat and listen - she was ready to hear from the Master.  Martha, however, didn't see things the same way, and assumed her vision was more accurate - this in itself a mode of overfunctioning.  Martha's need to keep Mary in line with her way of thinking led to obvious resentment on Martha's part (see Scazzero's Five Deadly Consequences below).  In addition, Martha's overfunctioning drew focus away from hers and Mary's greater priority of listening to Jesus - better than cleaning up which could wait.  Unchecked, overfunctioning then can lead to an erosion of one's spiritual life - did you notice the tone Martha took with her honored guest?  Sarcasm.  Tell him what he should do.  Apparently, overfunctioning wasn't just a "Mary-specific" concern!.  Clearly in this instance, community was sabotaged as well - what a nice awkward moment Martha created!  Martha needed to grow up, didn't she?  But unless her overfunctioning got corrected, that probably would not have happened.  

Jesus let her know what was most important.  With a few words, Martha was held accountable, Mary was exonerated, and we have all learned a lesson.

The Five Deadly Consequences of Overfunctioning

1. Overfunctioning Breeds Resentment
2. Overfunctioning Perpetuates Immaturity
3. Overfunctioning Prevents You from Focusing on Your Life's Calling
4. Overfunctioning Erodes Your Spiritual Life
5. Overfunctioning Destroys Community

So how do we overcome overfunctioning?  Scazzero highlights the following four principles that I think provide a good guide...

Breaking Free from Overfunctioning

• Admit That You Are Overfunctioning.  Look yourself in the mirror, and introduce yourself.  "Hi,  My name is Pete, and I am an overfunctioner."
• Unleash the Earthquake.  When you stop overfunctioning, things are going to get shaken up.  Somebody else's world is going to change.  Somebody else is going to have to start doing what you've been doing for them.
• Prepare for Chaos.  For awhile, the people you overfunction for are going to be unsettled after the earthquake.  Expect disorientation and disbelief!  Be okay with things not going as smooth as they did before when you overfunctioned.  It won't stay crazy forever.
• Stand Firm.  The system of relationships in which you have been an overfunctioner will naturally guide you back into your old patterns.  Expect exterior pressure to overfunction, and expect internal pressure as well - you will try to convince yourself that you need to step in and take charge again.  Don't.

I am convinced that if I keep someone from growing up by my overfunctioning, I hurt them.  To love and serve others well for Christ's sake demands we discern if we are doing something they can and should be doing for themselves.  Our fears and anxieties strongly pull us to change back, especially in the face of resistance.  Yet it is critical to give people time to absorb the changes going on around them.  We may want to do something, not because it is best, but simply because we lack the maturity to sit back and wait. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Who do you have in your life that can help you see yourself clearly?  Who can help you know when you've crossed over the line and overfunctioned?

Quit Dying to the Wrong Things

Jesus: One day when large groups of people were walking along with him, Jesus turned and told them, "Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple (Luke 14:25-27, The Message).

Most people who are new to the story of Jesus love him.  Until they come across the above passage.  Then they schedule an appointment with me...

Without much reflection, we can easily slide into an interpretation of Jesus' words and conclude that following Jesus 24/7 pretty much means that we are letting go of everything we love and are.  Including the very things that make us "us".  Our passions.  Our dreams.  Our personality.  Sounds great, doesn't it?  Sign me up for the dullest life experience possible!

I wanted to be a good, loving Christian no matter the cost.  And I mistakenly believed that good, loving Christians were people characterized by five things: they never said no, they had an active social calendar, they juggled many things without complaining, they got things done, and the put others' needs before their own.  - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Geri Scazzero fell into this trap, and it sucked her life dry.  The context of Jesus' statement is an entire chapter devoted to what following Jesus looked like.  There were plenty of influences on Luke that shaped his writing: from hypocritical, hypercritical religious leaders who talked one way but lived another to soft, wimpy "followers' of Jesus who were committed only to the point of their personal discomfort.  Too narrow of a reading here can land you with Geri - wiped out and washed up, on the brink of a melt down - all claiming to honor Jesus.

But this does not take into account the fact that we reflect the image of God at our core, and therefore at our deepest level there reside passions and dreams that should not be given up to follow Jesus.  They should rather be mined and embraced.

Dying to the wrong things means depriving yourself of God-given gifts and pleasures that nurture your unique life in him...  Dying to the wrong things reflects a lack of self-respect and failure to grasp our personal dignity as made in the image of God himself.- Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

There is story in the Bible that illustrates what can happen if we die to the wrong things and neglect the very things that keep us whole and more wholly connected to God.  The infamous story is about King David (1 Samuel 11-12), the scandalous affair he had with Bathsheba, the attempts to cover it up, his order to have the woman's husband thrown into a perilous military position which killed him, his being held accountable by prophet-like Nathan, and eventually David's restoration (see Psalm 51).  We tend to focus on the sin of adultery without thinking much about what decisions made him more vulnerable "moral failure" in the first place.

David was a musician and a poet, for sure.  But he was also famous for being a tremendous warrior.  He was hard-wired for his military leadership.  Way beyond the certain adrenaline rush that must accompany battle, I think all the other aspects of the military experience did something for David.  Like it fed him or something.  Camping out with his men.  The planning.  The storytelling.  The camaraderie.  All of these things tapped into a deep root that fed David's soul, and somehow impacted the level of intimacy he experienced with God.

I wear down faster if I don't get some solitude, or exercise, or nature, or some deep reading and reflection.  Friends of mine get recharged by fishing.  Some cycle for hours.  Some play music.  David went to war.

But even though it was the time of year when people went to war (these things need to be collaboratively scheduled...), David did not go to war.  He stayed in his palace in Jerusalem.  He ate.  He drank.  He napped.  He got caught up with a woman who did her part to play him.  He caved, and things went from bad to worse.  Serious damage.  Countless days of emotionally-invested turmoil.  A really awful season of life for all involved.

I don't think he would have found himself in Bathsheba's arms if he had gone to war.  And not simply due to the obvious fact that he would not have been home to see Bathsheba's bathtub show.  I think he was susceptible because he was not "in the zone" with God.  The reason he wasn't walking closely with God was, in part, due to the fact that for some reason he chose not to go where he got recharged.  Bathsheba went fishing for David and caught him because he was out of the water he so desperately needed to thrive.

Geri died to many things that fed her life, and her life with God.

Have you mistakenly died to anything Christ has not asked you to die to?  Consider asking yourself this question: when did I feel most alive this past week?  When did I feel the most life draining out of me?

I mistakenly died to my 

• delight and love for the outdoors - hiking, lakes, oceans, mountains.
• need for silence and solitude.
• extended family.
• intentional personal growth.
• great marriage.

A problem with many Christians begins when we try to sacrifice a self we do not possess.  We try to die to our fears, our anger, or our sadness, for example, without first embracing that we are afraid, angry, or sad.  We try to die to certain thoughts and feelings that are not of God's kingdom without full acknowledging they exist within us.  We try to love and respect others when we don't love and respect ourselves.  We are kind to others when we are not kind to ourselves. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Geri learned that she needed to make sure that she retained life-giving aspects of her life - things she was not being called to sacrifice for Christ, but actually fostered her ability to live faithfully as a Jesus follower.  She also learned that she needed to be honest about her interior life, examining the root sources of her sadness, anger, fear, and what gave her a sense of self worth.

Geri recommends exploring ourselves in order to insure that we foster healthy, life-giving behaviors and manage ones that take life away from us.  First, she encourages people to identify where they are on the introvert-extrovert continuum.  The more extroverted a person is, the more they need to build "people time" into their calendar.  The more introverted person needs to carve appropriate time for solitude and only the closest of friends.  Second, she advises that we come to grips with what feeds our self-esteem - what we rely on for significance and meaning.  The sources are likely directly related to how we are hard-wired, and can and will give us life if tapped appropriately.  However, these sources have the capacity to steal life from us as well.  Which of the Eneagram's nine personality types do you most associate:

Eneagram's Nine Personality Types and Correlated Areas of Concern

1. The Perfectionist.  Your need to constantly improve makes you a great worker, but you may base your self-worth on an unattainable goal.  Also, you may have a tendency to judge others on how well or not they achieved perfection.
2. The Giver.  You love to be needed.  You are generous and warm.  But you may also tend toward wanting to rescue others.  You may find yourself needing others to validate you for your sense of worth.
3. The Achiever.  You need to succeed in order to feel good about yourself.  But you may be attaching your sense of self too closely with success.  You probably need to carve out time for increasing the quality of your relationships.
4. The Romantic.  You love to get in touch with your deepest motivations and seek meaning in life constantly.  You may be prone to envy, self-hatred, shame, or self-absorption.  Relax and enjoy the moment.
5. The Observer.  Knowing everything gives you a sense of security.  But you may tend to avoid others, which keeps you emotionally disengaged.  Learn to learn from others without needing to "know it all."  You can make mistakes, and you don't have to be the smartest person in the group.
6. The Dutiful.  You need security, order, and certainty.  You seek approval from others and are very loyal.  You may be controlling and rigid, and may be too dependent on approval from others.
7. The Adventurer.  You mainly want to eat, drink, and be merry while avoiding pain at all costs.  But dealing honestly with pain, suffering, and loss is integral to doing life with Christ.  Open yourself up to the full range of emotions, not just happiness - you'll be deeper for it.
8. The Asserter.  You love a good fight, standing up for a cause, and justice.  But you may be lacking the capacity to be vulnerable, and may need to work on becoming approachable so that loving relationships can grow.
9. The Peacemaker.  You hate conflict - so much so that you may give into others just to keep the peace.  You may need to learn to express your feelings and learn to use the gift and talents you've been sitting on.

When we quit dying to the wrong things and begin the journey of knowing our hearts, our stories, and our personalities, we come alive to our true selves in Christ.  As part of that process, we acknowledge and affirm the full range of human emotions - even those that are considered bad.  We embrace all our humanity, realizing that the more we ignore or suppress certain emotions, the more we are controlled by them.  - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!