We overfunction when we do for others what they can and should do for themselves. Overfunctioners prevent people, including themselves, from growing up. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
One of the things I love about Geri Scaszzero's book is that she courageously owns her mistakes, and displays them for her readers, providing us with cautionary tales to help us avoid the same pitfalls. Her chapter on overfunctioning is no less honest than the rest, and equally challenging. In this section, Scazzero zeros in on the human tendency to cross over the line into others' territory, providing insight where it is not requested and instruction where it is not invited. We all struggle with this to some degree. Parents certainly have to grow through this or else they are in for a heap of pushback!
Are you an overfunctioner?
Overfunctioning inventory:
- I generally know the right was to do things.
- I move in quickly to advise or fix things let they fall apart.
- I have difficulty allowing others to struggle with their own problems.
- In the long run, it is simply easier to do things myself.
- I don't trust others to do as good a job as I can.
- I often do what is asked of me, even if I am already overloaded.
- I don't like to rock the boat, so I cover for others' shortcomings.
- Other people describe me as "stable" and as always "having it together."
- I don't like asking for help because I don't want to be a burden.
- I like to be needed.
If you claimed three of the statements above to be true of you, you may have overfunctioning tendencies. If you claimed four to seven, you struggle with overfunctioning, and if you affirmed eight or more, you're so deep in overfunctioning that you've probably already rewritten the list.
The following biblical account provides a pretty good case study on the perils of overfunctioning:
Luke 10:38-42 (English Standard Version)
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
Martha and Mary, especially in that time and culture, would no doubt have been expected to provide hospitality for Jesus and his disciples. They probably both served, but when Jesus began to talk, Mary decided to listen in, sitting at the feet of Jesus. This illustrates two things right away. First, Jesus was open to women getting a close audience - a sharp contrast to rabbis of his day. Second, Mary was comfortable enough to have a seat and listen - she was ready to hear from the Master. Martha, however, didn't see things the same way, and assumed her vision was more accurate - this in itself a mode of overfunctioning. Martha's need to keep Mary in line with her way of thinking led to obvious resentment on Martha's part (see Scazzero's Five Deadly Consequences below). In addition, Martha's overfunctioning drew focus away from hers and Mary's greater priority of listening to Jesus - better than cleaning up which could wait. Unchecked, overfunctioning then can lead to an erosion of one's spiritual life - did you notice the tone Martha took with her honored guest? Sarcasm. Tell him what he should do. Apparently, overfunctioning wasn't just a "Mary-specific" concern!. Clearly in this instance, community was sabotaged as well - what a nice awkward moment Martha created! Martha needed to grow up, didn't she? But unless her overfunctioning got corrected, that probably would not have happened.
Jesus let her know what was most important. With a few words, Martha was held accountable, Mary was exonerated, and we have all learned a lesson.
The Five Deadly Consequences of Overfunctioning
- Overfunctioning Breeds Resentment
- Overfunctioning Perpetuates Immaturity
- Overfunctioning Prevents You from Focusing on Your Life's Calling
- Overfunctioning Erodes Your Spiritual Life
- Overfunctioning Destroys Community
So how do we overcome overfunctioning? Scazzero highlights the following four principles that I think provide a good guide...
Breaking Free from Overfunctioning
- Admit That You Are Overfunctioning. Look yourself in the mirror, and introduce yourself. "Hi, My name is Pete, and I am an overfunctioner."
- Unleash the Earthquake. When you stop overfunctioning, things are going to get shaken up. Somebody else's world is going to change. Somebody else is going to have to start doing what you've been doing for them.
- Prepare for Chaos. For awhile, the people you overfunction for are going to be unsettled after the earthquake. Expect disorientation and disbelief! Be okay with things not going as smooth as they did before when you overfunctioned. It won't stay crazy forever.
- Stand Firm. The system of relationships in which you have been an overfunctioner will naturally guide you back into your old patterns. Expect exterior pressure to overfunction, and expect internal pressure as well - you will try to convince yourself that you need to step in and take charge again. Don't.
I am convinced that if I keep someone from growing up by my overfunctioning, I hurt them. To love and serve others well for Christ's sake demands we discern if we are doing something they can and should be doing for themselves. Our fears and anxieties strongly pull us to change back, especially in the face of resistance. Yet it is critical to give people time to absorb the changes going on around them. We may want to do something, not because it is best, but simply because we lack the maturity to sit back and wait. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
Who do you have in your life that can help you see yourself clearly? Who can help you know when you've crossed over the line and overfunctioned?
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