Faulty thinking is when we believe something to be true that is false. Mark Twain once said, "It isn't what you don't know that hurts you; it is what you know that isn't so." Faulty thinking is a deadly threat to emotional and spiritual health... It is also contagious and can spread. This makes faulty thinking even more dangerous because it operates, for the most part, beyond our conscious awareness. Eradicating this deadly disease requires such radical surgery that it can almost be compared to getting a brain transplant! - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
The nature of my work puts me in a lot of conversations where I am entrusted with the details - often painful - of people's lives. Most of the struggles I hear about are relationship oriented. I am convinced, after doing this now for almost 20 years, that a lot of our relationship problems are rooted in this problem of faulty thinking. We hear things differently than the communicator intended. We say things in ways that we wish we could retract. We take on a lot of pain unnecessarily, I think, because we have some faulty thinking residing at our core. In churches, God is added into the mix, and lots of faulty thinking about God, the Bible, and what the point of all of this is supposed to be can create its own weird dynamic.
In his book Hand-Me-Down Blues, Michael Yapko notes Three Major Types of Faulty Thinking:
- All-or-Nothing Thinking.
- Taking Things Personally
- Thinking Things Will Never Change
Take a look at the following statements and discover whether or not these phrases have come off your lips (or commanded your thoughts)...
Examples of All-or-Nothing Thinking:
- My boss will never change.
- Men can't be trusted.
- I'm a loser because she broke up with me.
- Lawyers are deceitful.
- She complains about everything.
- My whole life is stressful.
When our statements include words like always, all, everybody, or never,
these are usually tip-offs that we are engaging in faulty thinking.
A simple change in wording can create a major change in us
and enable us to reframe a situation differently. Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
Examples of Taking Things Personally:
- He did not return my phone call or email. He must be upset with me.
- I was not invited to the group lunch at work. they don't like me.
- John didn't acknowledge me at church today. He is avoiding me.
- I did not get the job. I don't have the ability to get a job in today's market.
- Susan was silent in the small group that I lead. I don't think she likes my leadership.
When we land on a negative interpretation because we don't have all the data,
we bring down upon ourselves much unnecessary grief.
This wrecks havoc in our relationships, leaving us victims or irresponsible blamers.
It is easy to accumulate a bag full of resentments that are based on something untrue.
- Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
Examples of Thinking Things Will Never Change:
- I'll never have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
- My boss will never understand me.
- Our marriage will always be hard.
- My son will always be difficult because of his learning disability.
- We'll never find a home we like and can afford.
Your future can be better than anything you experienced before.
The future doesn't have to be more of the same past, hurtful patterns.
Take the energy you have invested in needlessly overthinking the past
and put it into making changes for the future. - Geri Scazzero, I Quit!
Reality check: quitting faulty thinking is difficult, but rewarding work.
If changing faulty thinking was easy, counseling could be effective via a drive through - would you like fries with your therapy? The reason this stuff is tough is because it requires some thoughtful digging into who we have become and why. This stuff takes time and effort, two things a lot of human beings sometimes steer away from. There aren't any shortcuts, however. Sometimes we think we can just lay new behavior over our lives like a veneer and it will all work out. But we often do not keep up the new behavior because something within us makes it hard to stick. And sometimes the new behavior acts as a catalyst to help us see things differently, but the new vision gets sabotaged by some faulty thinking that impairs the way we view the world. If at your core you believe women are inferior to men, for example, learning to behave in egalitarian ways may reduce conflict, but the woman married to a man who sees himself as superior will tell you there is no equality. Faulty thinking at the core.
But there are ways to address our faulty thinking on a core level. The following is a process that does work, but is not a formula - don't think quick fix here! Throughout the process, community is preferred over going Lone Ranger. If you don't have any trusted people in your life, then at least journal this stuff - you'll be able to dig much deeper than if you're simply thinking about stuff while driving, eating, or watching TV.
First, on specific issue or subject, discover what you currently believe, unpacking what and who influenced your thinking. Go back as far as you can in your memory, searching for your first encounter with this subject/issue. What did you learn? Who modeled for you the way you are thinking about this? What factors played into your way of thinking? Community plays a huge role here by asking you questions along the way about who and what influenced you and what you came to believe.
"Until you know what you know, you'll never know any different..." This is a critical truth. We usually don't start addressing problems at this level. We usually go right to adding new behaviors, only to find out they don't stick. They don' stick because the foundation won't allow it. You are trying to cover your oil-based-paint-foundation problems with latex paint. It's just a matter of time before it peels off.
Second: Take a well-researched look at the Way of Jesus related to your subject. Chauvinists will inappropriately apply some of the Apostle Paul's writing to prop up their sense of superiority. But what about Jesus? Even though Jesus didn't write any edict proclaiming equality, his actions certainly did. Jesus treated women as equals, with great respect. So did Paul, by the way, but if the chauvinist settles for what is comfortable, he'll never bother to find out. Don't be a chauvinist - do your homework!
Third, recognize the differences between your held beliefs and the Way, and choose the Way with specificity. If you are a chauvinist, what does it mean to embrace the way? If the take away is to simply use more politically correct language, you've missed the point. What does it mean for you to truly embrace equality? How will that affect your approach to women?
Finally, report back to community on progress; embrace encouragement and counsel as you move forward. Overcoming long-held, faulty beliefs takes time and practice to overcome. Without this revisiting process, you are 99% guaranteed to fail. You need encouragement and reminding from people who love you and who you respect to stay on the Way.
Scazzero offers this final challenge to get us move...
When you find yourself caught in the quicksand of faulty thinking, ask yourself two questions:
- Am I willing to stop doing the familiar thing that isn't working and try something that feels unfamiliar but may be more likely to succeed?
- What will I regret twenty years from now if I don't get up and do something to change my situation.
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