I Quit Ignoring Emotions

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. – Psalm 4:4 (NLT)

Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26 (NLT)

The summer before sixth grade, I attempted to give our lawnmower a complete tune up. This meant that I would take apart the motor, clean it thoroughly, replacing gaskets as necessary. My brother (who would eventually become a mechanical engineer) had torn down go cart motors, lawnmowers, even the engines of his cars – how hard can it be to take apart a motor, clean it, and put it back together? Easy for my brother. Practically impossible for me. I did my best, and when I had it all back together my brother came into the garage to “encourage” me. I told him it wasn’t running. He noticed there were parts left over that belonged somewhere in that Toro’s motor. Then he started laughing at me. And moved onto ridiculing me for what was probably a good 45 minutes (or 30 seconds – but who can be sure).

I was holding up pretty good, but I was getting weak. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do something my big brother could do with blindfolded. I told him to shut up a few times, which just added fuel to the fire. My mom heard the ruckus and came into the garage to see what was happening. I was doing everything I could to not cry, honestly. And then he made fun of me yet again. I broke.

Much to his surprise (and mine, too), I flew across the garage and plowed him into the wall.

In hindsight, this was pretty strategic, since he couldn’t retaliate right away with my mom standing there. 

Now he was the one embarrassed, having been smacked down by his younger, smaller brother.

I grew up in a household where I cannot ever remember my parents raising their voice with each other or any of us kids. I got spanked three or four times – this was before spanking was strongly discouraged. Even though I don’t believe in spanking, I do believe in accountability. Believe me, I earned those pats on my bottom! But they were rare.

My brother and I basically got along. My sisters tangled a bit, but nothing crazy. The picture I want to paint for you is a very peaceful household, because it was. Anger wasn’t really given much oxygen. Neither were other “negative” emotions like fear and sadness. And so, while it was a calm upbringing, when I became an adult, I didn’t know how to deal well with my emotions – did I even have any? And I didn’t know how to deal well with other people’s “negative” emotions, either.

People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness. – Proverbs 14:29

Some people pick up a bad lesson from their church experience: it’s not okay to be angry, or sad, or afraid. Geri Scazzero learned this: This left me feeling powerless, so I found other avenues for my anger. I complained. I blamed. I criticized. I defended myself. These outlets gave me the illusion of power (from I Quit!). I think I just stuffed my anger, sadness, and fear deeper and deeper. I just didn’t know what else to do with it. I knew I didn’t like seeing people express anger, sadness, or fear, and so I did my best to stay as even-keel as possible.

Feelings are a gift, though, that need to be appreciated and respected. Every emotion is an indicator light on our dashboard letting us know something is happening. Fear can save our lives by alerting us to potential danger. Sadness reveals our level of care and concern. Anger serves sometimes as a meter alerting us to injustice.

Fools vent their anger, but the wise hold it back. Proverbs 29:11 (NLT)

It seems that the collective wisdom of scripture is to be aware of all our feelings, and be responsible with the way we respond to what we are feeling. Stuffing my feelings was a terrible idea. Ever stick a pack of Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke? Pretty entertaining. Check it out here. When I would stuff my anger or sadness, it would eventually build up and explode. And it wasn’t nearly as lovely as the fountain display on the video. Whoever pulled the lever on the slot machine of my anger got way more than they expected or could handle. The anger wasn’t bad – how I handled it was bad. Are you a stuffer? Have you exploded on some people? Not good. Or maybe you never stuff anything. Maybe you’re just the opposite. Maybe you just run with your feelings, and let the chips fall where they may without much restraint or reflection. Not good. You may feel relieved, but how many people paid the price for your lack of control?

Control you temper, for anger labels you a fool. Ecclesiastes 7:9 (NLT)

Sadness is another tough emotions for Christians. Jesus followers are supposed to be happy, right? We’re forgiven, after all. So when we experience sadness, we wonder if we are a failure or something. So we do our best to not let on to our level of sadness. We keep it to ourselves to save face. I have buried my fair share of sadness over the course of my lifetime. Different experiences unearth the pain, and since I now know not to run from the pain but to look at it squarely, I am amazed at how deep some of those wells of mourning go. Sometimes reading stuff triggers it. Sometimes a life experience. Sometimes a movie. Sometimes a song. I wish I had known to process the pain as it happened, because I recognize now that I put a barrier on my growth by not dealing with stuff.

It doesn’t matter how much you read your Bible, do good works, go to church, serve others, or know about God. If you are not honest about your true feelings, you will be stunted in your spiritual growth with God and limited in your relationships. – Geri Scazzero, I Quit!

Fear creates another problem for Christians. “Do not fear” is a recurring word from God throughout the Bible. Shouldn’t we be free of fear if we’re full of faith? Doesn’t fear, therefore, indicate our lack of faith? Aren’t there some things we should be genuinely afraid of? Are we really supposed to handle rattlesnakes as an act of faith? Isn’t there are better way to prove out faith? Maybe care for the poor and those without a voice?

What about Jesus? Did he live with anger, sadness, and fear? In fact, he did. There are numerous instances where Jesus was angry. He was angry with religious holier-than-thou types who cared more about being right than living in the right way. He was angry at money changers in the Temple who were ripping off (particularly) the poor. He was angry at the reality of death and the hopelessness experienced when we lose people we love – so much so that he wept.

Jesus was deeply saddened as he looked on Jerusalem, knowing the fate that awaited him. He was sad because he knew how slow the people of God had been to actually represent God to people. They had killed so many prophets before him…

Jesus was afraid. The night he was arrested, he was praying, sweating buckets, terrified, while the disciples sawed logs.

Jesus was no stranger to the full range of human emotion. And if the Gospels are accurate, his anger got the best of him on occasion, especially when he got on a roll about the religious zealots of the day.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)

So how do you deal with your emotions? Are you bland across the board? Do you only elicit the more positive emotions? Do you only emote the so called “negative” emotions? Are you a stuffer/exploder? Are you an unreflective spewer?

But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. – Colossians 3:8 (NLT)

How well do you sleep? How is your overall health? Do you eat antacids like candy? Do you stress eat? Do you console yourself with porn, booze, drugs, prescriptions, etc.? Here’s the deal: if you don’t deal with your emotions with respect, they will deal with you, and you won’t like how they do. You’ll overeat (one of my favorite ways to avoid pain) and not feel so good. You’ll have stomach issues. Sleep problems. Irritability. Lack of creativity. Strained relationships at home and work. The list goes on and on.

Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. – James 1:20 (NLT)

I am a father. I realize that my son and daughter have been learning from me from day one. I want to minimize what they will need to unlearn in order to experience all that life has to offer.

May we have the courage to face our emotions in spite of our upbringing, our religious tradition, and our fear. May we learn to respond instead of react, and when we do, may it be honorable, appropriate, and redemptive.

Henri Nouwen: We ought to spend 50 percent of our time living our lives and the other 50 percent reflecting on what is being lived.